Power of HAGGIS

Letter to the Editor - SF Chronicle - 03/21/03
(reprinted without permission)

Editor -- Letter-writers who suggest replacing French foods with haggis should be careful what they wish for (Letters, "Freedom from French," March 13). A full-monty haggis is less a delicacy, or even a survival food, than a powerful magic potion, probably originating from a secret rite of the Druid high priests. Cooked in a cauldron by chanting witches under a rowan tree, by the light of a gibbous moon, it is not to be eaten lightly; the effects may be lasting.

Some people think the power of haggis is embodied in the Stone of Scone, a Scottish sacred relic which was kept in Westminster Abbey for seven centuries. English kings sat on it to be crowned and perhaps the proximity of the royal organs to such a powerful spell caused the wayward sexuality of so many British royals.

Haggis eating in congressional dining rooms would be risky, or perhaps even risque! Better by far to load a MOAB, a 10-ton bomb, with haggis and drop it onto a Saddam Hussein palace. Bagpipes fitted to the tail fins would make an unearthly wail on the way down and warn Baghdadis that the haggis was coming, so better watch out.



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